The Order

The prologue recounts the legend of Flemish knight Charles Le Vaillant who, just after the Siege of Jerusalem at the end of the First Crusade, “was struck by the hypocrisy of killing fellow human beings in the name of religion [one has to wonder what exactly he imagined he and the other armed-to-the-teeth crusaders were going to do in the Holy Land]. Especially since these people professed belief in the same God [uh, no they didn’t].” Charles had an “epiphany, which became the basis for a new religious sect. An order that would combine the fundamental tenets of the three major religions of his day. His first converts were Christian knights who'd also become disenchanted by the bloodshed. The force of his convictions even won over a number of Muslims and Jews. Former enemies who now became willing converts to the new faith.” The script for The Order was co-written by Jean-Claude Van Damme, who according to Wikipedia has his own wacky religious notions (Christianity is wrong because "snakes are good" and "apples contain pectin, which is anti-cholesterol"); I want to believe that he and his co-writer Les Weldon are in on the joke, but whether or not they take this material seriously, the real probleem is that they don't really tap into the comedic potential of their premise. Specifically, the film should have been a mock 'biography' of Charles Le Vaillant, especially if he were to be played by JCVD; I have no doubt that Charles delivering sermons in Van Damme's frenchglish and casting pearls of wisdoms such as the ones quoted above might just be able to produce a new "Blessed Are the Cheesemakers". Sadly, JCVD ​​and Weldon never really delve into this nameless religion known simply as The Order, thus missing out on what could have been a huge source of humor. Instead, the film skips to the present and introduces thief and smuggler Rudy Cafmeyer (Van Damme), who is in the process of stealing a Fabergé egg (presumably to sell it to "Bleeding Gums" Murphy). Rudy's father is archaeologist and museum curator Oscar 'Ozzie' Cafmeyer (Vernon Dobtcheff). Ozzie travels to Israel and is kidnapped while on the phone with Rudy, who then travels to Jerusalem himself to rescue dear old dad. There Rudy meets an old friend of his father, archeology professor Walt Finley (Charlton Heston. Really). This Heston cameo can only be explained as a manifestation of his then-incipient Alzheimer's; moreover, it's another wasted opportunity. The legendary actor would have been equally perfect in both the farcical sword-and-sandal epic that The Order could and should have been, and the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade knock-off it ends up aspiring to be; in either case, though, he would have needed more screen time, and in the latter case, he should have had the role of Rudy's father. The rest is just standard JCVD, complete with a foot chase scene with Van Damme disguised as a Hasidic Jew, fleeing from and fighting Israeli police (how Rudy gets his costume, particularly the beard and curls, is a mystery; why not show him buying it in a souvenir shop, as if it was a set of Mickey Mouse ears at Disneyland?).